Cold Blooded Christmas (Jon Lajoie)

It was late at night on Christmas Eve
I was dreaming of the soft white snow
I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree
What it was I did not know

It was Santa Claus, he was bringing me some gifts
Unfortunately I did not know that
So I quietly snuck up behind him
And I shot him five times in the back

It went “bow, bow, bow, bow, bow”
He said “what the fuck? Ow, ow, ow”
Then I shot him three more times in the head
Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead

That’s when I noticed his blood-soaked beard
And his red suit filled with bullet holes (Uh oh)
I said “Oh my god, I killed Santa Claus –
I’m not going to jail for this ass hole” (Hell no)

So I went do my shed and I got my saw
And I started to chopedy chop chop (choppy, choppy dog)
I started with his arms, then his legs, then his head
And then the torso was a really long job

And the blood went spurt, spurt, spurt
It was really hard work, work, work
It was hard cutting through his spine
I must have vomited sixteen times

I burned all the pieces in my fireplace
The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose (sizzle, sizzle)
Eleven hours later there was nothing left
Then that’s when I hearf my telephone

It was aunty Gene looking for uncle Bob
She said he left the house dressed as Santa Claus
But he didn’t come home last night
“Have you seen him, God I hope he’s alright?”

Electric Six fansite